Meadow

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Time where did it go

It’s been a while since I last updated. I’ve been wanting to update but who has the time. I mean, I guess I have had the time. Over all I just felt like I haven’t.

My in-laws moved back from Florida this past November and had been staying with us until this past week when they got their own place. It just took them a little longer than they wanted to find the right one. Then like normal I have Meadow every weekend. I keep Zoe (my friend’s little girl, she’s 6 years old) every day, well, I put her on the bus, get her off the bus and do all homework every day. Sometimes, have her more often then that.

Plus, I coupon still. I have also started cleaning Kyle’s grandmother apartment once a month and cleaning for my grandmother about 2 – 3 times monthly and I have to do all grocery shopping for my grandmother since my step-grandfather got sick. It makes it hard to have time management skills, if you don’t have time to manage. I also still have to keep up with our normal house stuff and animals and what not. It makes normal living hard when you have so many people pulling on you each way.

We are still trying to have a baby, which we know we still have to do IVF. We hope to start that this spring. Money is always playing the biggest part in that. We have been working on paying off credit debit and improving credit scores and what not. Plus, trying to improve our home a little at a time. Which isn’t easy nor cheap. It all takes time. . .which feels like we don’t have.

I turn 30 this year and I feel like the clock is just ticking away. I feel the clock just ticking louder and louder. Which I hate. The joys of beating teen pregnancy, and 20 something pregnancy. I just don’t know if I can handle turning 30 and being childless. We are suppose to have our family now. We did everything right. We work, we pay bills, we got the house, we got married. We have the “american” dream. Why can’t we have this? Why does my bank account decide if we can try to have kids?

It feels like every meth-head around me is having baby after baby. Every unemployed mother/father living off the government can have a baby but because we do the right thing and my body, my husband’s body (we are the 20% that infertility effects both people) can’t do the one thing it is suppose to do we can’t get help. How is that fair? The government will pay for WIC, food stamps and medical care for all these people, but won’t help me become pregnant. Or help pay half the bill, anything at this point would help. It just doesn’t seem fair. Maybe if I had been irresponsible as a teen or as a young adult it would be different, I could have 2 or 3 kids with as many baby-daddies and let them pay the bill. But at last, I did the right thing, waited till I was married, ready to have kids. And then, I feel like it’s now almost to late. Which I know is silly, women now have kids almost to 40. Just feels silly sometimes. Hurtful somehow.

Aside

5 Best Decisions

So around the internet today I have seen multiple people do posts about the 5 best decisions they have made in their lives and I thought I would do the same. These are not in any real order. Just what has come to mind first.

  1. Being a home owner: In 2009 I decided to stop renting a one bedroom apartment for $465 a month to buying a trailer and moving back to my home town about 30 miles away. I believe I made a good choice. I had lost my job and was on unemployment and was able to get a trailer for a really good deal. It’s a 2 bedroom 14’x60′. It isn’t much I joke but it is paid for and for right now it is home. I don’t plan on living here for ever but it works nicely until I save more money to buy a house.
  2. Learning web design: When I was barely a teenager I decided I loved the world of internet and web design. I started out on the wonderful world of Expages. Then moved to a free host, tried to find a real host with a domain. I found Pick-Me. Doing so, I found a host and a life long friend that I could NEVER see myself without. I found my Cammie. She is my other-other half. I really do love that girl. What we do for BFFs.
  3. Going to College: When I decided I was going to college, I was still in a pretty bad relationship and I knew I couldn’t depend on someone else helping me out in life. I decided I would go for something I loved: web design. I am still going and I do love it. Even if it is kicking my ass right now because of work. I’m looking forward in proving everyone that I can do this.
  4. Kyle: I know a person isn’t a decision but a relationship is. I had just started school. Been kind of dating off and on but hadn’t been seeing anyone in a few months when I met Kyle. We had a few classes together and I started to get to know him during that time. In October of 2010 we started dating. I haven’t looked back since. He is an amazing person and I truly know now why it hasn’t worked with any other person. He is my strength when I am weak. We aren’t perfect but I don’t think we could get any closer. We are engaged and set a date for October 11, 2012 (10.11.12).
  5. Caroline & Meadow: When I was 13 my mom and dad got my brother’s kids. They were 2 years old and 6 months old. I choose to help raise them. I didn’t have to give up my afternoons or weekends but I did. I still do so much for them. I think about them before I would think about myself. I don’t have children and I don’t know if I even can but I know that the gods put them two kids in my life for a reason and I love every minute I have with them. They have helped me grow in to a well-rounded person and helped me become someone that they can look-up too. They made me grow up a little to fast but we grew up together. I was a child stepping in to the shoes that I didn’t have too. But when family needs you, you do what you have to do. My mother couldn’t have taken them if I hadn’t stepped up.