random moments

My department is closing

Saturday is my last day in my department and then after that it is forever gone. I start training for a new department called North East Care or NECare. Training will last 2 months, including OJT. (on the job training) I will become Customer Care for Verizon Wireless customers.

I have been at web chat since March. I love it. My job was sales. I was getting very good at it. Last month I got $2 a sale and this month I’m getting $2 a sale. My last sales bonus. 😥 That is where most of my extra money came from. I enjoyed having an extra $500 a month to play with.

I’m so scared about NECare. I have never had a job like that. Taking calls. I have done Customer Service when I was Assistant Manger at Wendy’s. But I didn’t take really any phone calls; that was more face to face. Which to me is easier. . .

I will stay with it. I need my health insurance. I need the good pay. I may not get the sales bonus but I do get an extra $.50 on the hour after 6pm. I will most likely be working around 1:30pm – 10pm. Which isn’t bad, but I really like working 3:30pm -12am. It was fun! lol

I’m off to get ready for one of the last days at my job. Maybe I shall bring in candy. Yay candy for a last day party. Oh, I just made myself sad a little. Damn it! lol

PS: I may work for Verizon Wireless but Verizon Wireless pays AFNI and then AFNI pays me.

I’m bad luck. Stay away.

Tired. I was up early getting my oil changed. Yet again, my days off fly by and today I have to be at work again.

I hope within the next couple of days I can move everything from Geek Talk over to my new server. I have been to busy to even do that. I haven’t really been checking email and what not. I had a hard weeks.

As you read my last post, my car got broken into, then it got broken in to again. Twice within ten hours. Then Sunday my Cookie Marie (my puppy I have had since I was 9) passed away. Then just stuff like that all week. Nothing seems to make it better.

Bad luck all around. Maybe things will look up.

My car is broken . . .in to

My poor, poor car. I am so upset. My car I just got in April has now been broken into over my purse that had no cash, only a debit card and a check book. I already canceled the debit card and the check book. I had just got my new ID two days ago. Yeah, I know. The really bad part about it, it was in my own drive way. I live right behind a bar. Damn bar. Damn drunk people. Damn it all to hell. WOW, that was a lot of damns.

I don’t even carry cash. They didn’t get anything out of it. Some pads, lip gloss and maybe some pictures of my family. That is it. OMG! Really? Time in jail over that. People are so stupid.

Also, on top of that. I go to call my mom and dad. Since I am on their car insurance. I can’t get a hold of anyone. Two cellphones and a house phone. No one would pick up. OMG!! I am so upset about that too. I could be dead someone and they wouldn’t even know it.

The only thing I have left is to call the car insurance tomorrow and then go find out what the bank has to say. Good thing, I had already had a new debit card coming in the mail. I swear.

PS:They took my lucky gold dollar. 🙁 I think I might cry now. I swear.

Today is a new day but tomorrow is what scares me

So much as happen over the past few months, weeks and days. Nothing that is earth shattering but in the end, isn’t it always earth shattering. Something make my world come to a stop.

First, I guess I am done dealing with Heather. She is who she is and if I had it my way, I would never hear her name or hear about her ever again. Next.

Second, well, let’s see. As me and Greg was seeing each other. We spent some wonderful times together and I hope we can remain great friends and learn from it all. I can’t handle memories or let go of my past. Something is holding me tight and won’t let me go. I know a lot of it has to do with my ideas of what makes me happy. Whether it makes me truly happy or not.

Have you ever been happy in situations your in and be happy that it didn’t change? Let me give you an example. Everyone that knew me and Cody, knew we had a lot of fights. We stopped dating, stopped fighting and everything. Then I really start missing him. Hanging on. Is the fighting, yelling and drama what I missed or my love for him. What is it that I missed so much? Really, when it comes down to it. What makes me miss him dearly? He does have some great features about him. I love his boyish ways, the way he is growing up to become a man. I love the life he wants. His dreams, his goals. I really hate the fact, I couldn’t trust him in the end. That I felt it was built on lies and want to be hope.

Greg and me never had disagreements. And if we did, we talked it out and handled it. Went on with our lives. Never once letting it be the end or making it out to be a big deal. No matter how big or small. That should be how it is. That should be what I want.

I know we (Cody and I) both betrayed each other. We both thought one thing and show each other another. We both said and did things we shouldn’t have. I can’t take back my past. I will not. I can’t take back the hurt that I caused him or anyone else. I can hope that I can make up for it and make it better some how.

I can look in to Cody’s eyes and know that I love him. That I think and feel things for him that I have never felt before. He can make me angry, happy, upset, passionate all in one instant. No one has ever been able to do that to me. I have passion in my soul for him. He makes me weak and melt.

Greg, over all, nothing could be wrong with him. Girls, for real. Perfect in a relationship. This is what upsets me about the whole thing. For once in my life, it truly is me and not the other person. That stupid one liner, “It’s not your, it’s me.” OMG! Really, I know.

Cody told me. I want you happy. No matter if it is with me or not. Greg has said the same thing. I truly don’t want to fight over them or have one hate me or each other because of me. In a life with out me in it and Greg and Cody had met I really think they could have been friends. But that is a different story. :/

I want Greg and Cody happy. Cody said he had finally started to date someone when I stepped back in to his life. He has finally started to let go. I had too. I finally had started to let go. Well, what I thought was letting go.

What I thought was want I wanted in life. Isn’t and everything that I wanted before isn’t there. I really don’t have any set goals or anything. I thought I wanted the house, the kids, the 9-5. I know, I love the idea of marriage. I do believe I still want these things, but not right now.

I want fun and I want life to happen. I don’t want to wake up 40 and realize I haven’t done anything with my life. I have always been told I was 20 going on 40. Lighten up; to take things less seriously. I want to. I am always worried or freaking out about something. I want to chill out.

I can’t let go of it all. Cody asked me to be just “fuck” buddies or if I would want that. Or did I want to be with him or what I wanted. He says that he truly doesn’t know. He likes being with me. He likes being around me at times. At times? Really? I think I could handle being friends with him. Handle even being “buddies” but I know it would hurt at times. I really want 100% of someone. No worries, no regrets, not resentment because of a past we had together. I want a clear path. I want to run and find what I am looking for. Maybe I have. Maybe I haven’t. I don’t know any more. That is what scares me. I wrote in my twitter one time. “Today is a new day but tomorrow is what scares me.” Hell yeah, everything scares me.

Hate Me

I am lost for words.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
Hate Me –Blue October

I will always let lyrics talk for me.