scared

Since I turned 31

I’ve not updated in so long I feel like I don’t even have a blog anymore. I miss blogging but it’s like I don’t have time or I just don’t “feel” like it or it’s not what the cool kids or doing anymore. I know that sounds silly. I truly miss blogging. I need to get back in to the habit of it; if only just to write to write.

Since I turned 31 in November, I decided I had to make some changes and do more things for me and my family. One of those things was change careers. I started school in January for Medical Billing and Coding. I’m only a few courses in but I hope to like it. I just know I need to make a little better money and working from home like I am now would be a bonus when I switch jobs.

Also, Kyle and I have decided to not pursue IVF. I was going to say we but it’s more I don’t have the heart to do IVF to get a negative result nor do I want to put the money into IVF to try once. Our insurance has a life time pay out of $10,000 on infertility but after all the tests it has paid on and then what the IVF would cost us out of pocket. It still is a lot of money for us to try. Then once the $10,000 is gone. We have to start paying out of pocket. Which we all know, once is never enough when trying with IVF. Normally it takes a few tries. I can’t take the heart break of all the times. My body can’t take it. My doctors aren’t to sure I can even carry anyway.

At this point Kyle and I have decided to pursue foster care to adopt. It’s low cost, lots of children need a home and we have lots of love to give them. We decided everything with that process is a little easier on our hearts than IVF. I know it’s hard. I know it can be just as heart breaking but I can physically hold a foster child in my arms to love. I can’t hold a promise that the IVF might work. This, this I can. I know this is what is right for us. I know it isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. That’s what is so hard about infertility and if you haven’t had the fight, it’s hard to understand. It’s hard to understand the idea of not being able to continue your bloodline with your husband or face another baby shower invite or one person saying “just relax” or “once you adopt, that’s when you will get pregnant.”. Those “pills” are the hardest to swallow. But I digress.

Anyway, I am going to try to at least start updating once a week. No promises. Work on a new theme. Who knows. I take tons of pictures. Maybe bring back Wordless Wednesday again. 🙂

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Time where did it go

It’s been a while since I last updated. I’ve been wanting to update but who has the time. I mean, I guess I have had the time. Over all I just felt like I haven’t.

My in-laws moved back from Florida this past November and had been staying with us until this past week when they got their own place. It just took them a little longer than they wanted to find the right one. Then like normal I have Meadow every weekend. I keep Zoe (my friend’s little girl, she’s 6 years old) every day, well, I put her on the bus, get her off the bus and do all homework every day. Sometimes, have her more often then that.

Plus, I coupon still. I have also started cleaning Kyle’s grandmother apartment once a month and cleaning for my grandmother about 2 – 3 times monthly and I have to do all grocery shopping for my grandmother since my step-grandfather got sick. It makes it hard to have time management skills, if you don’t have time to manage. I also still have to keep up with our normal house stuff and animals and what not. It makes normal living hard when you have so many people pulling on you each way.

We are still trying to have a baby, which we know we still have to do IVF. We hope to start that this spring. Money is always playing the biggest part in that. We have been working on paying off credit debit and improving credit scores and what not. Plus, trying to improve our home a little at a time. Which isn’t easy nor cheap. It all takes time. . .which feels like we don’t have.

I turn 30 this year and I feel like the clock is just ticking away. I feel the clock just ticking louder and louder. Which I hate. The joys of beating teen pregnancy, and 20 something pregnancy. I just don’t know if I can handle turning 30 and being childless. We are suppose to have our family now. We did everything right. We work, we pay bills, we got the house, we got married. We have the “american” dream. Why can’t we have this? Why does my bank account decide if we can try to have kids?

It feels like every meth-head around me is having baby after baby. Every unemployed mother/father living off the government can have a baby but because we do the right thing and my body, my husband’s body (we are the 20% that infertility effects both people) can’t do the one thing it is suppose to do we can’t get help. How is that fair? The government will pay for WIC, food stamps and medical care for all these people, but won’t help me become pregnant. Or help pay half the bill, anything at this point would help. It just doesn’t seem fair. Maybe if I had been irresponsible as a teen or as a young adult it would be different, I could have 2 or 3 kids with as many baby-daddies and let them pay the bill. But at last, I did the right thing, waited till I was married, ready to have kids. And then, I feel like it’s now almost to late. Which I know is silly, women now have kids almost to 40. Just feels silly sometimes. Hurtful somehow.

Infertility is all too heartbreaking

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People that have never suffered with infertility on a daily bases will never understand the pain and hurt someone like my husband and I go through. People will never know the thoughts, the strain on our marriage because the thought of completing your family is so out of reach all because you don’t have a big enough bank account. You don’t have the $5,000 – $10,000 for IVF nor do you have the $10,000 – $40,000 to adopt. And it’s all not just about money either.

I’m mad at my body, I’m mad at his body all because we can’t do the one damn thing our bodies are suppose to do. Create life. You have this idea in your head when you first start trying for a baby. It won’t take long, a few months. Then weeks, months, and then years start going by and you realize that this idea you had will never be. That’s hard to deal with. It’s even harder to deal with the fact that you and your husband are the 20% that infertility effects both. How “lucky” can you be?

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I hate the person infertility has turned me into. I want to be happy for my friends and family that are starting their families. I want to be happy when I see birth announcements. I don’t want to hide my friends on FB because they are posting belly pictures and updates. I don’t want to be bitter. I just want to be happy like healthily, normal people. I don’t want to have to ask my husband questions like “we will be okay if we never have kids?” or “will this life be enough for us?”. Sometimes it is all too heartbreaking.

A sad Christmas for us

Friday (12.20.13), Kyle & I learned we will never conceive children naturally. Our only hope most likely will be IVF. That’s a tough pill to swallow.

People who have biological children don’t really understand what it’s like to realize there is a very real chance you will NEVER be able to conceive naturally. Hence, even considering adoption takes a huge leap of faith because as much as you will love any child you may adopt, they will never be the combination of you and your partner’s genes.

Every holiday with family that has babies/children is a kick in the womb. All I can think about is how Kyle & I might not ever get the chance so many bad parents take for granted. How unfair is that? I feel like my infertility is consuming me. I hate the person I’m turning into because of it. I’ve never been the one for being jealous of anyone but I am. I’m jealous that to me everyone has the only thing I can’t have: a child.

At what length is too great to try to make your family complete? How much money is too much to spend? How long is to long? When is it time to realize your womb, your family, your whole idea for what you wanted might never be? When is it time to except your dreams are broken? When?

School, Christina & Doctor appointments

I am busy finishing up my last semester of school. Just two classes and I am done for now. I am so sick and tired of school. I feel like I have been doing it for way to long.

Christina came and visited from June 8th until June 15th. We had so much fun I just wish it was longer. Each visit she stays or I visit her it never is enough time. I just want her near. :/ I might end up writing an entry just about her visit, but today isn’t that day. lol.

In November of last year I had laparoscopic surgery on endometriosis and scar tissue. The doctors at that time thought this might be the reason why I hadn’t gotten pregnant at that point; which in November we had been trying a year and eight months. The doctor said he had great faith that he removed most of the endometriosis and thought my chances of getting pregnant would be higher. If I wasn’t pregnant within six months to come back. Well, May of this year was six months from my surgery and here I am still NOT pregnant. I called the office and I have to have some more test run. I have to have what is called a HSG (hysterosalpingogram). For people that don’t know:

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant (infertile).

I am been super scared up until this point because if I don’t know, then there is still a chance of me getting pregnant in the back of my mind. If I do this test and they find something that could be it. Kyle and I are done. I’m just scared of knowing. Sometimes faith and hope is all someone has.