“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…” –-Ryan Gosling, The Notebook
I promised myself I would update more but every time I sit down to blog all I can think about to write is how I am still so pissed I am not pregnant (naturally) yet, I still don’t have the money yet to become pregnant with IVF, how my meth-head cousin just found out she is pregnant, (TMI) like today I am due for my period and all I want to do is cry.
I am so tired of crying and avoiding pregnant people. I’m sad my friends feel like they can’t tell me if they become pregnant because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I am happy they care enough about me but on the other hand; I feel so terrible that they have to censor themselves around me.
I’m just sick and tired of it all. I’m tired of worrying when will it be our turn. I’m tired of saying that out loud. I’m tired of my husband telling me it’s going to be okay and holding me while I cry at night.
One thing I can say is that infertility has made me and my husband very strong as a couple. I can depend on him no matter what. We started on this journey for children very early into our relationship, due to issues with them (doctors) thinking I was going to have to have a full hysterectomy due to pre-cancer cells I was lucky they was able to fix the issues so we could continue with this journey but that was over three years ago and here we are still trying. I just don’t know how much more I can really take. I’m just so depressed about it. Maybe I need to find some local support groups around here. Not sure if it would help or not. At least I can say I tried.
People that have never suffered with infertility on a daily bases will never understand the pain and hurt someone like my husband and I go through. People will never know the thoughts, the strain on our marriage because the thought of completing your family is so out of reach all because you don’t have a big enough bank account. You don’t have the $5,000 – $10,000 for IVF nor do you have the $10,000 – $40,000 to adopt. And it’s all not just about money either.
I’m mad at my body, I’m mad at his body all because we can’t do the one damn thing our bodies are suppose to do. Create life. You have this idea in your head when you first start trying for a baby. It won’t take long, a few months. Then weeks, months, and then years start going by and you realize that this idea you had will never be. That’s hard to deal with. It’s even harder to deal with the fact that you and your husband are the 20% that infertility effects both. How “lucky” can you be?
I hate the person infertility has turned me into. I want to be happy for my friends and family that are starting their families. I want to be happy when I see birth announcements. I don’t want to hide my friends on FB because they are posting belly pictures and updates. I don’t want to be bitter. I just want to be happy like healthily, normal people. I don’t want to have to ask my husband questions like “we will be okay if we never have kids?” or “will this life be enough for us?”. Sometimes it is all too heartbreaking.
I am glad we did our taxes and didn’t have to pay in. We already got our state back, all $45. Now we are waiting on our Federal which should be here Wednesday. We are getting enough back we can pay off at least our lawn mower we were leasing, a couple credit cards and new glasses. It won’t leave any really to put back in savings but getting a few things paid off will. Plus, I should be starting my second job very soon. That is where I am putting money back to pay things off. That second income will go right into savings and only touched to pay off the credit cards. We only have around $5,000 in debit but I want it gone.
I also want to start saving for our IVF and pay off some all bills on my credit report to bring it up. I want those things gone so we can move forward with getting small loans to upgrade things around our house. I want new hard wood floors and new carpet in the house. If I keep my second job, we most likely won’t have to get loans we may just pay up front if we can every get everything going to plan.
The joys of being an adult. I don’t remember anyone ever telling me that this would be fun and I have no clue why I thought being an adult would be. lol.
Happy Valentine’s Day to me! From my amazingly prefect other half! I love you, Kyle Thomas!!
He got me a new necklace and ring. And wrote me the sweetest note. Telling me that he was glad he found his other half of his lost soul. I am so lucky. I love my husband so much.
And he surprised me with roses, candy and a card when he got home from work.