Kyle

My husband

Second Job

I have finally found a second job after searching for a few months. Between mine and Kyle’s paychecks we pay all bills just fine but the extra stuff we need extra income for (IVF, credit card debit, maybe a vacation). A second job would help with these things. I had an interview the week before last and last week I got the call I got the job. I am waiting on my background check and then I start. I’m looking forward to getting out of the house some. My primary job I work as a caregiver and I make my own hours and work from home. No need to leave besides to leave with my client.

Two jobs will be a little harder to deal with but if I can go to college full time and have a job full time. Two part time jobs will be fine. Just have to get to use to everything.

I know the puppies will miss me being here. But I am sure they will be fine.

A sad Christmas for us

Friday (12.20.13), Kyle & I learned we will never conceive children naturally. Our only hope most likely will be IVF. That’s a tough pill to swallow.

People who have biological children don’t really understand what it’s like to realize there is a very real chance you will NEVER be able to conceive naturally. Hence, even considering adoption takes a huge leap of faith because as much as you will love any child you may adopt, they will never be the combination of you and your partner’s genes.

Every holiday with family that has babies/children is a kick in the womb. All I can think about is how Kyle & I might not ever get the chance so many bad parents take for granted. How unfair is that? I feel like my infertility is consuming me. I hate the person I’m turning into because of it. I’ve never been the one for being jealous of anyone but I am. I’m jealous that to me everyone has the only thing I can’t have: a child.

At what length is too great to try to make your family complete? How much money is too much to spend? How long is to long? When is it time to realize your womb, your family, your whole idea for what you wanted might never be? When is it time to except your dreams are broken? When?

Even in

Even in my darkness night he stands by my side.

I love you Kyle Thomas without you I don’t think I could ever be half the person you have made me into. I truly am a better person for having you in my life!

Me & Kyle at a wedding!

Me & Kyle at a wedding!

Infertility sucks!

Sometimes I feel like my infertility makes me a terrible person because I hate looking at social media and seeing everyone pregnant or just had a baby and I just want to de-friend each and everyone of them. I truly want to be happy but I have so much hate because they each one of them has the only thing I truly want. The one thing that I want to complete my family is the one thing I can’t get.

I am going under treatment for my infertility and I still haven’t got pregnant yet. I have only taken the Clomid only one cycle but my doctors told me not to take it this month since Kyle hasn’t had a chance to go to the urologist (Kyle has a low sperm count and we don’t know why since all his blood work came back normal). His appointment is at the end of this month, once he does that we find out his problem we go from there. I am so sick and tired of dealing with it out.

Why can’t it just happen? Why can’t I be the one? Why can’t I just be happy for everyone? I am so tired.

Infertility Specialist

I am so heartbroken I haven’t became pregnant yet. Kyle and I have been trying for almost 3 years. I have had two surgeries trying to fix whatever is wrong with me and nothing has helped. My doctor said he wanted to send me to a infertility specialist since he really doesn’t deal with infertility on a regular basis. I am sad but I’m kind of happy too. It really is a love hate kind of deal. I am happy my doctor is good enough to tell me up front he doesn’t deal with this all the time and hasn’t wasted my time in the process. He has been wonderful up until this point. He said he will continue to work with the infertility clinic to ensure the best of care.

I have an appointment October 2nd. I hope to get a better idea of what is going on. I am so damn frustrated because I have put myself through a lot of pain to not have an answer. I feel like I am so alone with the whole process too because everyone either tells me to just “relax” or “it will happen”. That is easy to say when you already have kids. Plus, I feel like everyone around me is either pregnant or just had a baby. It’s like a kick right in the non-baby maker.

Unless you have the problem, you will never understand the hurt I have when I wake every month knowing I will start my period and not be pregnant. The only thing I want to complete my family and I can’t have it. But I am sure if I was on meth or didn’t have a job or a dead beat husband / boyfriend I would have two or three kids. I know that is a very shitty thing to say but you know, that’s how it seems to be around here.