sad

Since I turned 31

I’ve not updated in so long I feel like I don’t even have a blog anymore. I miss blogging but it’s like I don’t have time or I just don’t “feel” like it or it’s not what the cool kids or doing anymore. I know that sounds silly. I truly miss blogging. I need to get back in to the habit of it; if only just to write to write.

Since I turned 31 in November, I decided I had to make some changes and do more things for me and my family. One of those things was change careers. I started school in January for Medical Billing and Coding. I’m only a few courses in but I hope to like it. I just know I need to make a little better money and working from home like I am now would be a bonus when I switch jobs.

Also, Kyle and I have decided to not pursue IVF. I was going to say we but it’s more I don’t have the heart to do IVF to get a negative result nor do I want to put the money into IVF to try once. Our insurance has a life time pay out of $10,000 on infertility but after all the tests it has paid on and then what the IVF would cost us out of pocket. It still is a lot of money for us to try. Then once the $10,000 is gone. We have to start paying out of pocket. Which we all know, once is never enough when trying with IVF. Normally it takes a few tries. I can’t take the heart break of all the times. My body can’t take it. My doctors aren’t to sure I can even carry anyway.

At this point Kyle and I have decided to pursue foster care to adopt. It’s low cost, lots of children need a home and we have lots of love to give them. We decided everything with that process is a little easier on our hearts than IVF. I know it’s hard. I know it can be just as heart breaking but I can physically hold a foster child in my arms to love. I can’t hold a promise that the IVF might work. This, this I can. I know this is what is right for us. I know it isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. That’s what is so hard about infertility and if you haven’t had the fight, it’s hard to understand. It’s hard to understand the idea of not being able to continue your bloodline with your husband or face another baby shower invite or one person saying “just relax” or “once you adopt, that’s when you will get pregnant.”. Those “pills” are the hardest to swallow. But I digress.

Anyway, I am going to try to at least start updating once a week. No promises. Work on a new theme. Who knows. I take tons of pictures. Maybe bring back Wordless Wednesday again. 🙂

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Time where did it go

It’s been a while since I last updated. I’ve been wanting to update but who has the time. I mean, I guess I have had the time. Over all I just felt like I haven’t.

My in-laws moved back from Florida this past November and had been staying with us until this past week when they got their own place. It just took them a little longer than they wanted to find the right one. Then like normal I have Meadow every weekend. I keep Zoe (my friend’s little girl, she’s 6 years old) every day, well, I put her on the bus, get her off the bus and do all homework every day. Sometimes, have her more often then that.

Plus, I coupon still. I have also started cleaning Kyle’s grandmother apartment once a month and cleaning for my grandmother about 2 – 3 times monthly and I have to do all grocery shopping for my grandmother since my step-grandfather got sick. It makes it hard to have time management skills, if you don’t have time to manage. I also still have to keep up with our normal house stuff and animals and what not. It makes normal living hard when you have so many people pulling on you each way.

We are still trying to have a baby, which we know we still have to do IVF. We hope to start that this spring. Money is always playing the biggest part in that. We have been working on paying off credit debit and improving credit scores and what not. Plus, trying to improve our home a little at a time. Which isn’t easy nor cheap. It all takes time. . .which feels like we don’t have.

I turn 30 this year and I feel like the clock is just ticking away. I feel the clock just ticking louder and louder. Which I hate. The joys of beating teen pregnancy, and 20 something pregnancy. I just don’t know if I can handle turning 30 and being childless. We are suppose to have our family now. We did everything right. We work, we pay bills, we got the house, we got married. We have the “american” dream. Why can’t we have this? Why does my bank account decide if we can try to have kids?

It feels like every meth-head around me is having baby after baby. Every unemployed mother/father living off the government can have a baby but because we do the right thing and my body, my husband’s body (we are the 20% that infertility effects both people) can’t do the one thing it is suppose to do we can’t get help. How is that fair? The government will pay for WIC, food stamps and medical care for all these people, but won’t help me become pregnant. Or help pay half the bill, anything at this point would help. It just doesn’t seem fair. Maybe if I had been irresponsible as a teen or as a young adult it would be different, I could have 2 or 3 kids with as many baby-daddies and let them pay the bill. But at last, I did the right thing, waited till I was married, ready to have kids. And then, I feel like it’s now almost to late. Which I know is silly, women now have kids almost to 40. Just feels silly sometimes. Hurtful somehow.

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Little girls don’t dream of growing up. . .

Little girls don't. . .

I promised myself I would update more but every time I sit down to blog all I can think about to write is how I am still so pissed I am not pregnant (naturally) yet, I still don’t have the money yet to become pregnant with IVF, how my meth-head cousin just found out she is pregnant, (TMI) like today I am due for my period and all I want to do is cry.

I am so tired of crying and avoiding pregnant people. I’m sad my friends feel like they can’t tell me if they become pregnant because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I am happy they care enough about me but on the other hand; I feel so terrible that they have to censor themselves around me.

I’m just sick and tired of it all. I’m tired of worrying when will it be our turn. I’m tired of saying that out loud. I’m tired of my husband telling me it’s going to be okay and holding me while I cry at night.

One thing I can say is that infertility has made me and my husband very strong as a couple. I can depend on him no matter what. We started on this journey for children very early into our relationship, due to issues with them (doctors) thinking I was going to have to have a full hysterectomy due to pre-cancer cells I was lucky they was able to fix the issues so we could continue with this journey but that was over three years ago and here we are still trying. I just don’t know how much more I can really take. I’m just so depressed about it. Maybe I need to find some local support groups around here. Not sure if it would help or not. At least I can say I tried.