Asides

Aside

So many questions

Today you said you was leaving. . .or you might be. I wish I was mad at you for this but I’m not. I’m not angry nor do I hate you. I wish I was angry. That way it didn’t hurt so bad. I want you happy. I feel lost, like I don’t know what to do. I feel scared like I child. I feel. . .to much right now.

I have been crying, sleeping being depressed. I don’t know what else to do or how to deal with this feeling. I wish I was back on my depression medication maybe I could handle this better. When was talking this morning, I wasn’t yelling nor was you. Which was nice to sit down and talk without each other being mad or yelling. I have so many questions but no answers and the questions I feel like I can’t even put into words to get an answer. Most likely you really don’t have an answer anyway or if you do I most likely won’t want to hear it. It will be so over whelming, I mean, it is already. I cry because I don’t know what else to do. That’s crazy. Silly.

I know crying doesn’t solve anything but that’s all I can bring myself to do.

Aside

Really shitty

A few entries ago I wrote: “When life is good, life is really good. And when life is shit, life is really shitty it seems.” Right now, I feel like it is really shitty. Cody has canceled the wedding. Well, we have moved it up to whenever he feels ready. I am scared to death he is going to get deployed or moved to a different location and I won’t be able to go. SCARED. TO. DEATH!! Simple as that. He says he has cold feet, needs to find himself and the list goes on. I know I still want to marry him and I love him.

I am so depressed this week. I thought it would be different. So different. I thought this next two weeks would be us getting ready for our wedding and honeymoon. Getting every little detail down. But no, now I have friend flying in out of state that is coming in for no reason but to visit now. I feel bad for that. I am super happy at least Cammie is getting to come and visit still but I really wanted her to be in the wedding. Oh, well. A dress has been bought, cake been ordered, hotel been booked. Everything is going to take all this week to cancel or get a hold of people to tell them not to come. It’s crazy. It all feels like shit. I feel terrible.

I am so upset. I didn’t even go to work today. This weekend was suppose to be amazing. I picked Cody up and it wasn’t nothing like I had hoped. All I know is I feel sad and depressed. I don’t know how to deal with this feeling anymore. It’s been so long since I felt this bad.

My mom and I are even in to it over this. She is being so unreasonable. She isn’t talking to me. Whatever happen to it being my life?

Aside

What a day

Wow, just wow. That is all I have. I am so tired. Saturday during all the bad storms we had. My mom got hurt. She thought she broke her foot or at least hurt it really, really bad. Tried working on it Monday, well, but that evening. It was a total fail. Around 6ish mom calls me back to her house to take her to the ER. We didn’t get out until 2am. WTF? 🙁 Her foot isn’t broke a plus but still angry about having to wait that long.

I was so tired. I went to work just long enough to finish the book I was working on. Then I was so tired I started to blank out. I came home and went back to bed. I have felt like crap all day. I am looking forward to going to bed tonight.

I also finally got my book in from Amazon, The Virgin Suicides. I loved the movie. And so far, the movie seem to be pretty faithful to the book. Which makes me happy. 🙂 I am going to finish my pizza from Subway. Then head to bed. Night world.

8 days until my Cody James comes home. I am so happy.

Aside

Finally something

good happens. I mean, really nothing that bad has been going on but I am in a super good mood. I finally got another thing done on my big to do list. I reorganized my desk because I finally got a new one. I am giving my old one to Rowdy (Cody’s little brother). I needed something to hold up. This one is an L shaped glass and metal. I will upload pictures in the next few days. I am so happy. My office finally looks like an office, not a room that happens to have a computer in it. I have some before, before pictures. Then I have some before pictures from a couple of days ago before I got my desk. The before, before pictures is when we first moved in. It was so bad.

I work tomorrow. Tuesday is going to be a kind of a busy day. I plan on going to BG, were I have to get my AC “juiced up” and then I have to get two new tires and then all four balanced so I can drive to MO by myself safely. I am scared about that part.

And then I have to go talk to BGTC about my COMPASS test and see if I have to get anything besides my transcript to them. I’m not too worried about the COMPASS test because even if I do poorly on it, which I don’t think I will but if I do. I just have to take some pre-college classes. Since my ACT scores don’t count anymore. It’s only been 6 years since I was in high school. Crazy talk.

I am now off track about what I wanted to blog about because Cody called and I got busy booking a hotel for the night I pick Cody up. We are going to hang out with a couple in St. Louis. One of Cody’s army buddies (he trained with at Basic/AIT.) and his buddy’s wife, I hope to talk Cody into taking me to St. Louis zoo since I haven’t been in years.

Aside

What started out

to be a good day, ended not so good. Thursdays are not my day. I went to work, everything went well. It was pay day. Which is always a good thing. I went and got pizza for me and my dad. He help me bring the two trash cans around to the front of the trailer and place them up at the top of the drive way for pick up. I had cleaned all night Wednesday. Trying to get my BIG to do list done.

I had started the office. Which is on my to do list as well. Dad had taken around all my storage totes and placed them in my building out back. I really thought it was going good. I clean up part of my yard yesterday before I went to get this awesome computer desk that was given to me.

Mom and I picked it up. Stop by got my dad so he could help move it in to the trailer. Didn’t work out. We ended up breaking it before we could even get it half way in to the office. We tried everything. I haven’t felt this defeated in a long time. This was the next step in making my office in to a guess room / office. I wanted the corner desk so I could place a small bed in there as well. The bed would really help since my nieces and Cody’s little brothers spend the night often.

I just cried. Which is really stupid once I sat down and thought about it but I was so upset. I just wanted this to work so bad. I could finally have a nice desk to use. My desk I have now is so beat up. No, I hadn’t had it very long but I moved three times since I had it. And it now is very wobbly and I want a good desk. Something to hold up to my normal everyday life, plus kids, plus two cats. I don’t think I am asking for to much. Probably am. *sad face* 🙁

Anyway, I hope to still be getting myself a new desk in the next week or so. I really want to clean my office. Get my shit together because coming this fall I will be starting college. Just have one more thing I need to do before I can register for classes. I can’t wait. So, in return I really need a nice area to study and do home work. 🙂 I am so happy about that, at least.

Maybe this Saturday or Sunday I can go and get one. Dad said he would put it together in the office, so we wouldn’t have to worry about it being moved or placed anywhere else because Cody and I plan on staying in this trailer for a few more years anyway. Since it is paid for.