puzzle piece

Aside

Two options

I feel like I should update on life. Not a whole lot of stuff going on day to day life but some stuff does happen. Right now I had to have another biopsy over cervical dysplasia. Which in normal talk “pre-cancer” or the start of cancer. Which to me I thought couldn’t get any scarier then, August 1st, I had to have another biopsy done. Those cells are showing up again, not sure how bad yet but the doctor came into the office while I wait half naked. Stating two things if this pre-cancer is back or worse then it was in February I have two options. That is it. TWO! I am thinking okay. It can’t be that bad. Well, I was wrong.

Option one is put me in the hospital this time and do another LEEP / colposcopy and / or a cone biopsy. They want to take more of my cervices. Or Option two a hysterectomy. Not in my wildest dreams did I think that at 25 I would have to face this choice. That my future husband may not be able to have children and that his options for children can be answered for him because of this. I am so hurt by it. I won’t have a real answer to what I have to do until I get my results. Longest wait ever! They said 3 – 5 days. I should know something by Friday.

Kyle said he loves me and won’t leave if we can’t have children. They we have other options besides having children ourselves. But I wanted us to have a family so bad. I wanted us to have the whole life together. I just feel so sad and scared and hurt and so many other things that I just can’t put into words right now. I know he loves me, but how can he still want to be with someone that can’t have children. He said he kind of wanted a family but he loves me and wants what is best for me.

I love him so much and I am truly lucky to have someone like him. He cares so much and is willing to even sacrifice this for me. This is someone that loves me without borders, without limitations. Thank you Kyle for being so amazing and prefect for me!

Aside

The eye of the beholder

It’s all about perception. How we perceive things. How we perceive the situation. How we look at it from our point of view.

We all see things one way or another. How we look at something is why we do what we do in the end. Why we decide to move or pick our friends, the job we have. We all have reasons. In the end it is why we did what we did.

I can’t explain some of my actions over the years. All I can say is it was how I perceived the situation at that time. I did what I felt was right at that time. I wish I had more of an answer but I don’t. This upsets me to a point but all in all. I can’t take it back. I can try to make up for it. I can try to hope that when I am dead and gone and I am watching this movie called “Life”. I can laugh and realize their was a point to it all.

That my love didn’t die in vane. My thoughts and feelings was for no reason. That my ideas was there and meaningful. I hope in the end how I perceived things was everything that I had hoped for. That I couldn’t have asked for more.

His deceit

People amaze me. They really do. I think about my life. My idea of where I want to be. Who I want to be. What I am going to do when I grow up. You know what I have no clue. I am okay with this.

This scares me to death. That I am okay with this. I am 23 going on 24. Aren’t I suppose to know what I want. At least an idea. I know the people I want in my life. But that is about it. Crazy thought.

I am not sure what to make about this thought. This fear. I know what I need to get done in life. I need to get Greg out of my life for good. That means I need to get everything together to get the divorce. Then I can drop him out of my life forever. I don’t regret much but he is one thing I do. I wish I had never met him. He pulled me in with his lies. His deceit.

I’m not going to lie. I got sucked in. I fell for it all. I can’t believe how stupid. How dumb I am. Wait, I can. It happens.

I’m not sure where this entry is going just wanted to write. I need to finish painting my nails. I need another coat. Then dishes. Then I am heading back over to Cody’s I think. I miss him.

Silly, Silly, Silly

I love him. Simply put. Nothing more, nothing less. I have been trying. Really trying. I don’t understand. I know what I did was wrong. I feel like I have made up for my actions. I have tried on so many levels to fix every little mistake.

We have moments that are unbelievable. So perfect. Then we have moments like tonight on the phone. He feels like I have a tone. The tone says things I did not. Even when I truly don’t have a problem. I do says the tone. In all reality. Nothing was wrong. I said what I meant. I said how I felt. God dang! Hello?

He finds ways to fight with me sometimes. I don’t understand. I love him. I just want us to be okay. I want everything to play out correctly. For once. Not a happy ending but just a “my world is not crashing” ending. I just want to be content. I’m not looking for a happy moment, every moment of every day. I just want to be content.

I get that when he is in a good mood. I get to be content sometimes. When he deems it so. It has been his way or no way for months now. Since I started trying to be back with him. Which is okay. If he wants it that way. But god dang. When is enough, enough. How much do I have to do or take to make it “even”?

I’m not even sure of this blog entry. I am just upset over a stupid phone call. It was nothing. I promise, promised that I was okay. Which I am. I am okay. I am just upset too. I’m not mad. I just think it is totally silly. I mean, really.

I guess I need to go a head and get my shower. Get my clothes together. I have a job interview tomorrow at 11am. Then work at 12pm.