sad

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Happy and sadness

So much to blog about but so little time. Cammie will be there THIS Thursday. I can not wait. We have so much to do. We are getting inked the night she flies in. Then who knows what else. I am looking so forward to the end of this week.

Tomorrow is going to be a sad day. My great aunt Betty died Sunday morning sometime. I wasn’t super close with her but she was my grandmother’s sister. I need to be at the funeral home for her.

This week is full of happy and sadness. We all deal with death in our own ways. I hope my grandmother will be okay. It was her last remaining living sister. Which has to be even harder.

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Overwhelmed

I have been aiming to blog forever. I have no real reason why I haven’t done so sooner. I have had time, I have had subjects I wanted to talk about, and so forth and so on but truly, I haven’t because I couldn’t muster the energy to do it.

The last few months have been very trying physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have started my depression medications back which has helped a little bit but a lot of it really is just pushing myself forward. Trying not to step backwards in this battle.

I twittered a while back saying “Depression is such a hard fight. I feel like I am fighting a battle I will never win.” and I feel that way 99% most of the time because of the fact as soon as I think it is getting better, it kicks me down again.

I feel so overwhelmed due to the fact, I am a full time college student now (by the way, I am very happy and proud of), a home owner (which means no land lord to call if something goes wrong), working part-time (sometimes closer to full time) and trying to have a social life. . .well, kind of a social life. The closest to one as I want to get at this moment in time. That’s a lot on my plate right now for one single person. I don’t have someone to share my stress with or help me with the things I need to get done or to even share anything with. I’m doing it alone.

I have been very lucky that my father and one of his friends has been doing the major things that need to be done outside to my home. Like building me a new front deck and they fixed my back one. We have the whole outside cleaned up. And random fact: I totally found a stop sign under my trailer. How awesome!?! 😀

Anyway, I do have more I want to write but I am lost for words at the moment. I am working on a new layout finally. I will be getting my new laptop either tonight or tomorrow. I am selling my 15.6″ laptop and getting a netbook since I have a desktop too.

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A normal life

I’m not sure how to sum up what I have been doing the last couple of weeks since I last updated besides I have been trying to get back to a normal life. I have been trying to get myself back in to working 3 to 4 days a week. Time with family and get a few extra things around my home done.

I have some great plans for my trailer. I have paint sitting at my grandma’s I am getting to paint my bathroom and kitchen. I also have bought new kitchen floor tiles to lay down. Which I did my bathroom tiles, so nothing new there. That is just the inside. I have some outside projects too but I’m not sure how to get to those just yet.

Then Mom and I are planing a Holiday World trip at the end of July. I hope that will be fun. I don’t hope, I know it will be fun. Mom, dad, me and the girls. I am sure we will have a blast. We are planing a two day trip. Staying in a hotel one night. A nice mini-vacation.

Aside

Some long nights

I promised blog entries. So, here is one.

I have been so confused and lost at points in the last few weeks. I have been happy and overwhelmed. I have been sad and depressed. Thought I couldn’t go any lower. Then I have been able to look, reflect and try to study why I am where I am.

I don’t have answers still to why Cody did what he did to me. Why they was more important and I was tossed to the side. Maybe with time I can get answers. But now he says he wants to work on friendship. It has been easier with time to be able to at least speak with him on the phone.

I don’t know if I am ready for a face to face meet up yet with him but with time I am sure I will be. With time, it heals all. Each day gets easier. . .let me rephrase that. Most days now are easier. I still have some long nights and short days it feels like. The nights seem to be when I miss him the most. Nights are so lonely.

I still hurt and I still don’t understand. I feel like I wasn’t go enough. But I read a quote and it seems to make it a little easier.

You can love someone and still be wrong for them.

I feel like that is the case right now because Cody is a really nice guy when he isn’t with me. And I like to think I am pretty awesome. 🙂 But when we are together, we seem to bring out the evil. Like we are a bad set of wonder twins.

I don’t question if he loves me, because love has nothing to do with us. We love each other more then I think two people should be able to love. We are are wrong for each other. . .I know it doesn’t seem to be possible but I think it is. Love is such a funny thing. It can happen and without you even realize take over and just fuck everything up. It makes you question yourself, it makes you do weird things. It just. . .is. . .AHHHHH! I don’t know. It’s crazy.

I want to think that this is all a bad dream and he is still at Basic training and I’m waiting to pick him up. That he still loves me and wants to be with me. That none of this happen but it sets in and I realize that isn’t the case at all. I’m here, alone. Just me and the cats. *sad face* 🙁

Aside

My relationship

One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care for her and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the guy that already knows.

Relationships are so hard to sum up. So many words to use to say what happen in the past and what you wanted for the future. My relationship with Cody wasn’t all bad. We had fun times but we did have a lot of bad times. I found out in the past two years he cheated on me twice. Once before we moved in together again in August 2009 and the second time was within 48 hours of him being home from Basic training/AIT. And this is just what he has told me, that doesn’t include if he has done it any other times and I just don’t know about it.

I wish I could say I forgive him for these actions because I don’t yet. I know he is still hanging out and talking with the girl he cheated on me with. He doesn’t seem to mind and nor does she. He told me after I found out he would be willing to stop talking to her. He would work it out. He doesn’t want that. Because if he did, he would have stopped. In the end, I guess she was worth it. I guess what we had didn’t matter in the end because it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

She can have him. I won’t be made a fool again. Let her found out about his mood swings and angry issues. Let her pay his way.

He came and got the last of his stuff today. He kept saying over the past few days he wanted to at least be friends. If I needed him, to call. Whatever, he wasn’t here for me when I did need him while we were dating, why would I call when I need him now?

He says he wants to be friends. “We can still be friends” is like “your dog is dead, but you can still keep it” Is how that makes me feel. You know? Why would I want to watch him be happy with this other girl? I do want him happy, this I am not saying. I just don’t want to watch it. It hurts still. Maybe later on but right now. I hurts so bad. Each day is better than the last.

And I know with time it will all heal. I will move on with my life. I have too. I can’t sit around hoping something will happen because if it hasn’t worked in all the times we tried and he is still trying to be with other people, he can have them. I am tired of being hurt all the time. I deserve better! And I really wished he could have been the man to make all my dreams come true. At one time I believed that. I think we have a connection that I have never had with anyone and that is what is making all this so hard.

I have been able to get up, walk away from anyone in my life. Never had a problem, him. He is a problem. I don’t know why. He is one of the few people that can either brighten my world with a look or make my life living hell with a touch. It’s crazy. And at one time I could have done the same to him.

So, I guess Cody and I are really over. Funny how within 24 hours of him being home, my world fell a part. That’s okay, I will pick up the pieces, like I always do. I was making it before him and I will make it after him. He is just one man. He isn’t a god. He is who he is. I can’t change that and we tried to make it work. At least we can say that.