drama queen

Aside

So many questions

Today you said you was leaving. . .or you might be. I wish I was mad at you for this but I’m not. I’m not angry nor do I hate you. I wish I was angry. That way it didn’t hurt so bad. I want you happy. I feel lost, like I don’t know what to do. I feel scared like I child. I feel. . .to much right now.

I have been crying, sleeping being depressed. I don’t know what else to do or how to deal with this feeling. I wish I was back on my depression medication maybe I could handle this better. When was talking this morning, I wasn’t yelling nor was you. Which was nice to sit down and talk without each other being mad or yelling. I have so many questions but no answers and the questions I feel like I can’t even put into words to get an answer. Most likely you really don’t have an answer anyway or if you do I most likely won’t want to hear it. It will be so over whelming, I mean, it is already. I cry because I don’t know what else to do. That’s crazy. Silly.

I know crying doesn’t solve anything but that’s all I can bring myself to do.

Aside

A new chapter

I finally have water. I was without for 9 days but living so close to family really helped out. Dad was amazing on helping me get it fixed and running. I had to wait so long not because of my father but because the weather wouldn’t warm up. But it has finally! 😀

Raymond has been gone for a week tomorrow. He hasn’t called or anything. Very odd. You think you would want to know why you are kicked out but he didn’t care. He kept bumming off other people without missing a beat. He is great like that. Don’t get me wrong. I love my brother but I can only take so much. He had been living with me almost a year and still no a temp to find a job. Jobs don’t get up and fall into your lap. Promise. You do have to go looking.. .dang.

Far as that. Thank you all for all the wonderful comments on the past couple of entries. I like to hear from army wives and people that have dealt with long distance relationships before. It helps me feel less alone.

I hate being without Cody by my side. He has been such a big part of my life for so long and to think he is having to deal with something so hard like basic training a lone hurts me, scares me. We always deal with our problems together. Facing them head on. Him having to do this a lone is so depressing. But I know in the back of his mind he is worrying about me right now dealing with all the bills, taking care of the house like pipes freezing and our heater messing up and things like that. I know scares him too. I guess this is just another chapter in our lives that we have to face a lone but together if that makes any sense at all. I know most of these feelings are normal and theses fears are normal. I keep telling myself that.

It’s crazy but I have these little things that make me feel so close to him. Like, I check the weather where he is or every night no matter what I always say “good night, sweet dreams. I love you.” or I wake up at least 2 or 3 times a night feeling for him. Or I almost expect him to be at the house waiting for me when I get off work. Which is kind of depressing when he isn’t but I know once these 27 weeks (10 weeks at basic & 17 weeks at AIT) are over we are going to be so close and finally plan our wedding and honeymoon.

WOW, when I read over that and look at 27 weeks. . .I cry a little because that is FOREVER! January has been going by pretty quick. I hope the rest of the months will too.

I need to get off the internet and stop watching TV. I have a love letter to write to my baby. Those brighten our day. I can’t wait till Sunday. I will cross fingers get another phone call. To hear his voice. To hear how much he loves me. . .makes my week.

Aside

No bail out for me

I am so upset about my freaking water pipes. They have been frozen since Friday the 8th. It makes me so mad because all Raymond had to do is leave the water dripping. Like that is so freaking hard. Now it has warmed up enough to turn the water back on at the meter to see if it has unfroze. Well, it had. Bad news, it was the main pipe going from the water meter to the house. So, it is broken now.

I have to work tomorrow but dad said he would come over and help try to fix it. The deal is that Raymond has to be there and well, he fails. He left today and still hasn’t come back home. He just text and stated that he would be here in the morning. If he isn’t, I have news for him. If he bails on me and doesn’t come home to help me fix this. I am kicking him out. It was his fault for turning the water off. I just don’t know what I am going to do besides try to get under the house and fix it. The joys of being a home owner. I am glad in most cases because it is paid for and I don’t worry for rent but then this happens and I can’t just call some one and be like, “hey. Come fix this.” Like when I was renting.
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Hey, Stalker Cunts :)

Hello all, on May 2nd 2009 I had a nice blog entry titled “Hey, Stalker Cunt 🙂” from Marie (Greg’s new girlfriend, after a month new fiance). Whatever, can’t judge for that one. I married the stupid SOB but different story, different blog entry. But on with this story, this blog entry.

After I read the entry there was a big “twitter war”. Which was totally silly. On both parts. I got called “Stalker” because I read the entry wrote for me. After the “twitter war” was over that night. I hadn’t said anything else. I hadn’t wrote anything else. I haven’t even visited anything to do with them. I could careless really.

Then I check my web site stats. Funny thing with a domain, it logs all IPs going in and that stays on the site. Well, wouldn’t you know I have two IPs for the locations of Greg and Marie are at. Silly me for being the “stalker”. Let me tell you, they are like herpes. They just don’t go away. You think your not going to have an out break, then wham, there they are. Which the only reason I can guess they would be checking my site is for my twitter updates since my twitter is protected. Do so for this reason. To have proof I’m not “stalking” anyone. I’ve been very good.

And far as anything else goes. I’m not fighting about this either. Have no reason too. Just wanted to get it out in the open. I find it totally funny. She says it’s because I can’t let go of Greg. 😆 I don’t want him. If I wanted him, I wouldn’t it be smart to be trying to sweet talk him; not fight him. I’m not doing anything.

Good night all. I need to be heading to bed. I’m going on a field trip with Meadow tomorrow. . .well, today. 🙂

Silly, Silly, Silly

I love him. Simply put. Nothing more, nothing less. I have been trying. Really trying. I don’t understand. I know what I did was wrong. I feel like I have made up for my actions. I have tried on so many levels to fix every little mistake.

We have moments that are unbelievable. So perfect. Then we have moments like tonight on the phone. He feels like I have a tone. The tone says things I did not. Even when I truly don’t have a problem. I do says the tone. In all reality. Nothing was wrong. I said what I meant. I said how I felt. God dang! Hello?

He finds ways to fight with me sometimes. I don’t understand. I love him. I just want us to be okay. I want everything to play out correctly. For once. Not a happy ending but just a “my world is not crashing” ending. I just want to be content. I’m not looking for a happy moment, every moment of every day. I just want to be content.

I get that when he is in a good mood. I get to be content sometimes. When he deems it so. It has been his way or no way for months now. Since I started trying to be back with him. Which is okay. If he wants it that way. But god dang. When is enough, enough. How much do I have to do or take to make it “even”?

I’m not even sure of this blog entry. I am just upset over a stupid phone call. It was nothing. I promise, promised that I was okay. Which I am. I am okay. I am just upset too. I’m not mad. I just think it is totally silly. I mean, really.

I guess I need to go a head and get my shower. Get my clothes together. I have a job interview tomorrow at 11am. Then work at 12pm.