sad

Aside

Zooms back

For the past 5 months all I could talk about is how happy I was. How nothing could pop my bubble. . .well, doesn’t plans change. My wedding to the man I thought was of my dreams dump me. After 5 months of him being gone and me waiting for him. This game that we have been playing has been going on for a total of almost 3 years. Enough is enough. I love you. I truly do.

I’m not mad at how it has all played out because I am guessing this is how it is suppose to be. If we are meant to be, it will either work out or we are not. I am sick and tired of feeling like I did something wrong. I have made mistakes, I have paid for each and everyone of them. I can’t take back my past and if I could, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change all the happy moments or sad moments. Those moments were meant to happen. Those moments shaped us into the person we are today.

Those memories, they seem like dreams now. I keep saying “if only. . .” But then I try to take a step back and look again. If only isn’t a choice and I zoom back in to reality. This still feels like a nightmare. I am hurting.

I want you to find whatever your looking for. Whether it maybe love, life, happiness or even just being content. Everyone should be happy. Life is too short. That’s what you keep telling me.

I’m not looking for anything. I was happy. . .it was ripped away. You can’t change your actions now nor would I want you too. I just want you to know, I hope we can be friends. That with time I could be happy for you too. That we look back and remember that we changed each other. That we loved each other truly. That all this pain we feel was for something and not nothing. That it showed us that we are still alive, that there is still something magical out there.

Aside

So many questions

Today you said you was leaving. . .or you might be. I wish I was mad at you for this but I’m not. I’m not angry nor do I hate you. I wish I was angry. That way it didn’t hurt so bad. I want you happy. I feel lost, like I don’t know what to do. I feel scared like I child. I feel. . .to much right now.

I have been crying, sleeping being depressed. I don’t know what else to do or how to deal with this feeling. I wish I was back on my depression medication maybe I could handle this better. When was talking this morning, I wasn’t yelling nor was you. Which was nice to sit down and talk without each other being mad or yelling. I have so many questions but no answers and the questions I feel like I can’t even put into words to get an answer. Most likely you really don’t have an answer anyway or if you do I most likely won’t want to hear it. It will be so over whelming, I mean, it is already. I cry because I don’t know what else to do. That’s crazy. Silly.

I know crying doesn’t solve anything but that’s all I can bring myself to do.

Aside

Really shitty

A few entries ago I wrote: “When life is good, life is really good. And when life is shit, life is really shitty it seems.” Right now, I feel like it is really shitty. Cody has canceled the wedding. Well, we have moved it up to whenever he feels ready. I am scared to death he is going to get deployed or moved to a different location and I won’t be able to go. SCARED. TO. DEATH!! Simple as that. He says he has cold feet, needs to find himself and the list goes on. I know I still want to marry him and I love him.

I am so depressed this week. I thought it would be different. So different. I thought this next two weeks would be us getting ready for our wedding and honeymoon. Getting every little detail down. But no, now I have friend flying in out of state that is coming in for no reason but to visit now. I feel bad for that. I am super happy at least Cammie is getting to come and visit still but I really wanted her to be in the wedding. Oh, well. A dress has been bought, cake been ordered, hotel been booked. Everything is going to take all this week to cancel or get a hold of people to tell them not to come. It’s crazy. It all feels like shit. I feel terrible.

I am so upset. I didn’t even go to work today. This weekend was suppose to be amazing. I picked Cody up and it wasn’t nothing like I had hoped. All I know is I feel sad and depressed. I don’t know how to deal with this feeling anymore. It’s been so long since I felt this bad.

My mom and I are even in to it over this. She is being so unreasonable. She isn’t talking to me. Whatever happen to it being my life?

Aside

What started out

to be a good day, ended not so good. Thursdays are not my day. I went to work, everything went well. It was pay day. Which is always a good thing. I went and got pizza for me and my dad. He help me bring the two trash cans around to the front of the trailer and place them up at the top of the drive way for pick up. I had cleaned all night Wednesday. Trying to get my BIG to do list done.

I had started the office. Which is on my to do list as well. Dad had taken around all my storage totes and placed them in my building out back. I really thought it was going good. I clean up part of my yard yesterday before I went to get this awesome computer desk that was given to me.

Mom and I picked it up. Stop by got my dad so he could help move it in to the trailer. Didn’t work out. We ended up breaking it before we could even get it half way in to the office. We tried everything. I haven’t felt this defeated in a long time. This was the next step in making my office in to a guess room / office. I wanted the corner desk so I could place a small bed in there as well. The bed would really help since my nieces and Cody’s little brothers spend the night often.

I just cried. Which is really stupid once I sat down and thought about it but I was so upset. I just wanted this to work so bad. I could finally have a nice desk to use. My desk I have now is so beat up. No, I hadn’t had it very long but I moved three times since I had it. And it now is very wobbly and I want a good desk. Something to hold up to my normal everyday life, plus kids, plus two cats. I don’t think I am asking for to much. Probably am. *sad face* 🙁

Anyway, I hope to still be getting myself a new desk in the next week or so. I really want to clean my office. Get my shit together because coming this fall I will be starting college. Just have one more thing I need to do before I can register for classes. I can’t wait. So, in return I really need a nice area to study and do home work. 🙂 I am so happy about that, at least.

Maybe this Saturday or Sunday I can go and get one. Dad said he would put it together in the office, so we wouldn’t have to worry about it being moved or placed anywhere else because Cody and I plan on staying in this trailer for a few more years anyway. Since it is paid for.

I have become comfortably numb

Okay. Here I am another blog. Another move. This is a new year. Here is to a great start. Hopefully. I am releasing this site today, well more like tonight. I haven’t finished moving over all the entries and comments but I do have all of Decembers of 2009. I think all the comments for that month is updated but not sure yet. Going back over that once I have finished this entry.

I have moved back over from Chyrp to WordPress. A sad day. I still love Chyrp and if I have another project that Chyrp can handle I will use it but at this time. It did have to many bugs and not enough modes to really make me stay. I couldn’t use the scripts I wanted to nor could I really edit them enough to work with out trying to have two different layouts made. Crazy. But I am happy with WordPress at the moment. Will see how long that will last.

This morning Branda and Micki came over to see Cody for a bit just to kind of say their goodbyes. 🙁 Which was good for Cody. His little brothers spent two nights with us. He has spent a lot of time with them. Tonight is Cody’s last night at the house. Tomorrow at 11am he leaves for basic and AIT. Which will be around 6 months he will be gone. I am super sad about it. Nothing I can do but wait. I love him so much. This will just make us stronger. It feels like the last month went by super fast and now the next 6 months will drag along because well, that is how it works. When you want time to hurry up, it goes even slower.

Then Wednesday I start my first day of work. I am so nervous about starting work again. I am sure I will do just fine but regardless I have to go. lol 😀 I think I will enjoy working again. Plus, it is day shift. Which will be amazing. Every job I have had in the past 5 years has been either mostly all nights or all nights.

I need to go return comments and go post comments on a few blogs. Trying to get my new URL out there. Time to go be busy. Plus, I am downloading some older movies so Cody and I can watch them and cuddle a bit before tomorrow. 🙁